Stop. Just stop.
Sweetheart, I know you’re just trying to be nice, but please. I know, I’m complaining about my marital status. Again. And I know you’d like it to stop. I don’t know why that douchebag stopped calling me after we made out, either. It doesn’t matter. It slows down like “For-ev-er” in The Sandlot as it crosses your lips: “Well, I’d totally do you if I was a dude”. Now we have to giggle and I have to politely decline your offer.
This is not making me feel better.
You know what would make me feel better? You know that the nice, single guy friend of yours I met at your party? Stop acting like he’s a priest and tell me when the fuck he’d be available to hang out again. That would make me feel better.
8 comments
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Friday, May 18, 2007 at 10:25 am
mike
Wow, women really say that to each other? I can’t imagine the look I would get if I said the opposite to any single (straight) guy friends of mine. Much less if I said something like to that any single (gay) guys I know. Both would probably spark some great reactions… but the former might leave me with a black eye… while the latter….
hmmm
Friday, May 18, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Jeff Watkins
If I was a dude…oh wait, I am.
This was quite funny; and you said, “douchebag.”
Friday, May 18, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Bitchcake
I hate that shit, too. They don’t know what to say if you look them square in the eye and say “Aw honey that’s sweet, but I DO have standards.” Even if you don’t (and I should know), it gets the point across.
Also, if you have friends that are parents and obessively talk about their kids, start comparing every developmental stage they recount in gross detail to the developmental stages of your cat. They stop telling you about their babies.
Friday, May 18, 2007 at 1:37 pm
Kay
I just happened across your blog and I think it is the best idea on the internet. Congratulations! I wish I would have thought of it first.
Friday, May 18, 2007 at 2:11 pm
Lindy
Fuck I always say that shit. I’m glad I can stop cuz it makes me feel weird too.
Friday, May 18, 2007 at 4:50 pm
O. Dear
Mike – Yes, on occasion girls do say this. I think there is no real guy equivalent, fortunately.
Jeff – Douchebag is unfortunately one of my favorite words to use when I’m angry.
Katy – Fortunately I don’t have any friends with babies. Fortunately I also don’t have any cats
Kay – Well, thanks! Come back and visit anytime.
Lindy – It’s never too late to stop
Thanks for ‘fessing up to it!
Saturday, May 19, 2007 at 9:22 am
Sassy Blondie
WTF? I thought that was only my friends that say that. I mean, seriously, if I wanted to make out with girls, I’d go ahead and play for the other team. You did forget, however, the classic “Oh you have plenty of time. You’ll find someone. Just enjoy being able to do anything you want because you are single.” Fucking bitches! Last time I looked, I couldn’t impregnate myself without a whole lot of money and a team of doctors. Thanks for this! I love your letters too…
Saturday, May 19, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Alana
Oh man, I hate my friends that do this, thanks for speaking out about it. But I think the comment I hate more is “You are a woman! you don’t need a man in your life to make you happy!” because not only are they insulting you but they are also being hypocritical.