I’m not sure if you had the picture of your perfect woman in your head when you were a little boy. I know that sometimes the ideal and the real don’t meet. Believe me. I also know that people tend to gravitate, for better or worse, toward someone that reminds them of their mother or father. Naturally, I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who has the industriousness, kindness and humor of my father (minus the crippling OCD) – but I don’t actually want to marry my father. It just seems to me that when you marry a dowdy girl, you’re not just marrying the characteristics that were charming about your mother, you are marrying your mother.
It has just seemed like, lately, to me, the married girls (by girl I mean 20 to 30 year old young women, roughly my own age) I meet in my own life and see in the Milestones section of the paper are just appear overwhelmingly…dowdy. Plain, reasonably uninteresting, unfashionable, unopinionated - they have pageboy hair cuts waaay before it’s age-appropriate, vacant stares, quiet voices, terrible taste in music. Perhaps I’m being judgmental, but I’m not talking about all the girls who are getting married. There just seems to be a bumper crop.
I just don’t understand what you like about them. Maybe I just haven’t gotten to know them well enough. Perhaps there is a dynamic, confident, interesting, fun girl in that package. I just don’t see how they seem to be a hot commodity when I girl like me seems to be the one sitting on the sidelines. Okay, so I waver toward angry, I can be loud, I live at home, some might consider me immature, I’m a speeder and I had bad (but resolving!) skin. But Jesus, I go to church with fair regularity, I have a college degree, I make a bomb-ass lasagna, I have a real job, I tend to be fairly hysterical in person, I can be a lot of fun to be around and in the right light I’m kinda pretty. WTF? Just because my idea of fashion doesn’t involve an outfit from Christopher Banks!? It has got to be bigger than this.
I am so frustrated with you guys that pick these girls. Were you not trying that hard? Did you give up? Were they a sure bet? Did you share their terrible taste in music? Is it because they liked the Lord of the Rings and I said it was stupid?! Hey – I sat through five of the six Star Wars – that has got to count for something!
Did you know that I would never decorate with a floral print?! Your whole life is going to be Scrabble Nights and floral prints, you know! What kills me is that guys who marry dowdy girls tend to be the kind of guys I could like - kinda sarcastic, always tall (See also “Dear Tall Guys who Marry Girls who Are Five Feet Tall or Shorter, Don’t You Know There are Eligible Bachlorettes who Are 5’10″ Who Don’t Want To Wear Flats Their Whole Lives, You Know, Goddammit”), usually an IT guy, drives a sedan.
Wisdom might dictate that you have to be yourself, but myself has not attracted many takers. Do I need to become dowdy to get hitched? What ever happened to being myself?! I don’t get it.
9/10/10 PS: What a difference a few years make…hooo boy…biiitt-ter. I would like to say that I stand by the point of this letter, which is that I will never understand why some men would prefer to have their parts in a jar in a house decorated in floral prints than to hang out with someone cool. And, I’m kinda feeling smug, because myself eventually did find a taker.