Dear Toothpaste Companies,

I’d like to know where you get off. For a product which your consumers are asked politely not to eat and in fact, spit out of their mouths, toothpaste is expensive. And I would consider it far from a luxury item. Far from.

 Exactly how much dough to you rake in on this racket? Because that’s what it is. A complete racket. Like, a shake down. Everyday you’re asking consumers: You want to have teeth in your head? Look like normal people? Have breath that’s delicately minty and not a concealed weapon? Pay up, suckers.

How can you sleep on your Egyptian cotton sheets in your mansions at night knowing you just charged people $3.59 for a tube of toothpaste? $3.59! That’s only about a dollar away from a pack of cigarettes! And to boot, your product claims are almost never true. You feed the consumers so much bullshit about whitening and cavity prevention and magic and unicorns and Jesus-is-coming and we keep buying this shit – because to be socially acceptable (at least in most locales) we have to! In the grand hierachy of rip-offs you are definetly third; there’s the diet industry, the bridal industry and you, toothpaste companies.

I think you should give toothpaste away for free, as a public service. And not just at the dentist’s office, nice try asshole, we already get floss. You should be required toothpaste away the way they give away condoms for free at Student Health Centers. Because, really, without the toothpaste, who is going to need the condoms? It’s the chicken and the egg fellas, better wise up.

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20 Responses to Dear Toothpaste Companies,

  1. You are probably insane, Allison. Seriously, how many tubes do you go through each month?

    That said, this post still made me giggle a bit.

  2. Sock Girl says:

    OMG! Our university health centre has a sign on a coffee table that says “free candy and sex” and a bowl of candy and a bowl of condoms. I seriously need to sneek up there and write “and not so free minty breath” to that sign with a framed copy of that letter. Too funny!

  3. O. Dear says:

    I don’t know, it’s about 1 or so per month? I’m not sure, I’ve never counted. It’s not like it’s a frequent purchase, but an enraging one nevertheless.

  4. O. Dear says:

    YES! Support the cause, sock girl!! :)

  5. matlabfreak says:

    ROFL! This is the kind of letter that keeps me reading your blog. Brilliant.

    I’ll never look at buying toothpaste the same way. Down with the bourgeoisie toothpaste companies!

  6. O. Dear says:

    Thank you kindly Mr. Freak :) Nice to see you.

  7. Jen says:

    Too funny. I think this entry should be emblazoned on the side of every box of Arm & Hammer baking soda, kind of like a Dr. Bronner’s soap label. (But Arm & Hammer is part of the great toothpaste cartel, so sadly, I’m afraid it will never come to pass.)

    Meantwhile, I will have to print this out and tape it to my bathroom mirror, just for grins.

  8. Lala says:

    What about soap?

  9. Kenny Robot says:

    There is a more sinister twist to this – Please read my blog under “Toothpaste world order scam” on http://www.myspace.com/kennyrobotexperience

  10. O. Dear says:

    Lala – I don’t know about soap. Soap’s okay with me, and a lot of OK soap is cheap.

    Kenny – Thanks for the interesting link!

  11. ibikes says:

    How about Polygrip at up to 5.00 for 2.6oz.

    Back to toothpaste, you can’t even get it all out of the tube so a percentage is wasted. Now how many tubes waste how much? I would bet millions

  12. O. Dear says:

    I know, especially mine – I am physically incapable of squeezing from the bottom of the tube.

  13. Matt says:

    “I am physically incapable of squeezing from the bottom of the tube.”

    Don’t you know that’s why God invented Mentadent?

  14. O. Dear says:

    Yeah, but Mentadent is always so expensive. I got some Crest ProHealth in a tube for $1.88 and nearly died of shock.

  15. threenorns says:

    ROFL!!!!!!

    yes!!!! it’s so damned true! what kills me flat-out dead is Sensodyne-F. i have to use it because i have exposed nerves and that shit HURTS – my dentist said specifically to use No-Sens so little pavlovian me said “dur, okay!” and started using it. two damned tubes a month at nearly seven god-damned dollars a tube! i bought that crap until i moved to a place where the number of ppl was of statistical significance and nearly keeled over when i discovered that just about every toothpaste company going makesw a sensitive teeth version for three bucks a tube or less (canadian, eh?)!

    one thing i’d like to know about is Advil, Motrin, Robaxacet, etc – how can Advil be better than Motrin or vice versa when it’s the same stuff (ibuprofen) and the amount is the exact same? and why do they both cost nearly half again or even double what the store brand is (esp when it’s usually made by Advil, Motrin, etc)?

    it’s all a bloody rip-off.

  16. beej says:

    Yes. And yes. Too expensive for something so disposable.

    I buy toothpaste ONLY when I have a coupon for a dollar or more off, or I buy it at the 99 cents store.

    Those bastards at the toothpaste companies need to rake in the dough so they can afford to hire supermodels to do sexy ads for their company to play during episodes of Desperate Whorewives…doncha know.

  17. gary says:

    What does this sentence mean?
    “You should be required toothpaste away the way they give away condoms for free at Student Health Centers.”

    I don’t mean to be a hard-ass or anything, but I’ve found several weird grammatical anomalies and thought maybe I should bring them to your attention as I find them. Just trying to help. Great work otherwise. -gs

  18. O. Dear says:

    Beej – Absolutely. I don’t get that ad either.

    Gary – It’s just the complete absence of proofreading before broadcasting my unchecked passive aggresiveness across the Earth. You’re not the first person to comment on my grammar and God knows you won’t be the last. Maybe you can help on a regular basis ;)

  19. Greg says:

    Man, that’s funny stuff! And I know funny. It sure is fun to explore the Bloggie nominees. You’re on my daily list until I figure out how often you post, and even then you’ve got archives to check out. Laters.

  20. Pingback: Dear New Friends Who May Be Visiting As Panelists From The Bloggies, « To Whom It May Concern

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