Dear Alarmist Weathermen,

Everyone was saying that this storm system that’s moving through the Midwest was going to be big. Really big. Broadcast repeatedly were pictures from the Plains States of general carnage caused by the ice and snow that would surely be our doom. Desperate as I have been to spend time with friends this week, I decided not to call anyone or make plans for fear I would get stuck in the city during this impending blizzard that you had told me was going to land overnight Friday night. Friday night came and went and nothing happened. Oh, so now it was going to be overnight Saturday. Again, I thought, well, if I just go to Target, I won’t get caught in the Storm Of The Century.

What happened? Oh, nothing. It was raining. Raining. I was pissed. A friend texted me and asked what my plans were. By 7 pm I realized that the rain was certainly not snow and I should go out. The nagging suspicion that you had planted in my mind haunted me all night. On my way home the salt trucks were out and I thought – this is it. It is coming.

Sunday morning I woke up to some ice on my car, and again, I was pissed. On and off on Sunday I watched the news for the weather. Every single time, we got absolutely no information. None. Nothing of substance.

Here’s how every newscast happened:

Hairdo #1: Wow, the Bears won. Who knew? Roll that footage of drunk fans, just one more time!

[Fucking stupid tape of Bears fans celebrating in the parking lot of Solider Field]

Hairdo #2: Oh my, looks like fun! 

Hairdo #1: Cold fun!

Hairdo #2: (dead serious) And how cold will it get? Weatherman McBlowme will tell us how terrible the commute will be tomorrow – because there’s a good chance your commute will mean death.

I began to get frustrated.  But then I thought, you know what? I would love to be you. I would love to have a job where I could basically make up whatever story I wanted and broadcast it across a major metropolitan area.

Let me do a little run down of what you told me and the rest of Chicago what would happen tomorrow. Note the descrepancies:
NBC
Monday: Cloudy , snow showers early, falling temps, windy, 30 down to 25
ABC
Monday: High of 31, Low of 18, Snow gradually ends through the day.
CBS
Martin Luther King Jr Day – Light snow in the morning…then a chance of flurries in the afternoon. Snow accumulation up to 1 inch…total storm accumulation around 2 inches. Highs around 30. Northwest winds 10 to 20 mph. Chance of measurable precipitation 90 percent.
WGN
Martin Luther King Jr Day…Light snow in the morning…then a chance of flurries in the afternoon. Snow accumulation up to 1 inch…total storm accumulation around 2 inches. Highs around 30. Northwest winds 10 to 20 mph. Chance of measurable precipitation 90 percent.

I hope you’ll see that CBS and WGN were exactly the same. Which is concerning in it’s own right. I didn’t even bother with the local Fox affliate because blood started shooting out of my nose.

I guess I never realized science could be so relative. I have realized, however, that I am not the kind of person who should watch more than one newscast per day.

Oh hey, guys, next time I’m going to find you. And when I do, I’m going to beat you with your little clickers until you bleed.

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17 Responses to Dear Alarmist Weathermen,

  1. matlabfreak says:

    Wait, you think meteorology is a SCIENCE?!

  2. O. Dear says:

    I’m beginning to believe that it is not.

  3. Katy says:

    Oh boy, you’re sorry you missed this bullshit weather! Why don’t you come down for a little visit, love? You will no long feel the anger brought on by crack pot weather people. (I did my undergrad with local weatherman Eric Aldrich, and I know he is full of shit. I refuse to believe him which is why I’m wearing a micro mini and a tube top today. No, really.)

  4. O. Dear says:

    OMG! That just reminded me of Doppler Dave, that fucking douchebag! Wasn’t he an alcoholic? One time Jodie saw him at the Gerbes by our apartment…gah!

  5. the illustrious c van h says:

    I work in TV and let me tell you this. All weather people are are bullshitters and time fillers. I give my crazy, sexual harrasing weekend weather lady (she’s like 40 something and constantly hits on me and the sports guy) 4 minutes to fill a newscast and she says ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! (helps that there is no weather in Bako, but I can’t give her less time b/c she talks too slow).

    Our main weather guy is psycho (he use to be in New York and is actually on a Beastie Boys album) and believes he’s only on to entertain not inform.

    As for why the weather predictions were virtually the same? Hardly any weather guesser is a meteorologist (none of our 3 are) and they all just use the Nat’l Weather Service for info and predictions.

    So, um, never trust weather people or the news for that matter, we’re all liars.

    Also, Doppler Dave’s hangout was Murry’s near your old apartment (good eats there) and Aldrich is a good guy (as I worked with him a lot) and a meteorologist, but still trust weather people at your own risk.

  6. Katy says:

    Dopplar Dave is a BOOZE HOUND! He is drunk on the air often I think because he says crazy shit. Everyone just gives sideways looks trying hard not to say “Dave, you’re drunk.” Sad sad Columbia weather man that has no degree.

    CVH, Eric is a D-B. douche bag. He is too skinny and needs to see a tailor tout suite. And I think he is dumb. Do I have any reason to think that other than the random, non-academic encounters that I have had with him? I don’t remember, as I was probably drunk. I just can’t handle him. And you need to get hip to the jive and stop sending email to my OLD email address.

  7. the illustrious c van h says:

    My bad

  8. O. Dear says:

    Katy – Who is sending email to the old email? Me or CVH?

    CVH – I was hoping you would read this, I wanted to know what you thought. I appreciate the validation. :)

  9. Sock Girl says:

    Maybe “probability of precipitation” a Canadian thing, but it drives me absolutely insane when our weather guy (Hairdo#3?) says “there’s a 50% probability of precipitation”… Isn’t that the same thing as telling us that either something will fall from the sky or it won’t? Even my dog could have figured that out.

  10. Niftycat says:

    Gosh, someone else who is frustrated by idiot weathermen (persons if you want to be P.C.) I work at a school, so of course I’m very excited by the prospect of the “Storm of the Century.” For me, it means a “free” day off work. I wake up anticpating not being able to open my storm door – much to my dismay, there is nothing . . . NOTHING! Not a speck of snow to be seen. I had my hopes up for NOTHING!! GRRRRRRRRR!!!!

  11. O. Dear says:

    I KNOW!!!! FREAKING WEATHERPERSONS!

  12. duffus says:

    Anyone can forecast the weather! Just watch the birds,the dogs,the cats,and in the winter – watch the squirrels and the ducks. They’re smarter than any weather “person” and it apears most people. Moss really does grow on the north side of some trees and if a bad winter is coming – the squirrels will gather an unusually large shitload of nuts so if you lknow of a squirrels nest – remember they don’t like invaders this means they keep the same nest ; same squirrel year after year untill they get sqaushed by a car or zapped from “walking the wires.” Have a great day! Keep your chin(s) up, unless it’s going to rain – some of us might drown!

  13. O. Dear says:

    That sounds like a lot of work. I’d rather just get angry at the talking heads :)

  14. Matt says:

    I could not agree more and have actually blogged about my disgust for those faux forecasting douchebags a couple of times.

    http://patrow.blogspot.com/2006/11/prediction-that-really-blows-no-not.html

    http://patrow.blogspot.com/2006/05/so-dark-con-of-manischewitz.html

    The *WORST* is those collection of dicks at the Farmer’s Almanac. Every year – every fucking year – they send someone on local TV and radio to “predict” upcoming weather. Of course, they point to their accuracy in the previous year’s forecast – documentation of which is conveniently never provided. Scumbag ass-fucks.

  15. Blue Athena says:

    Two points:

    1) Weather reports are the #1, without any competition, reason that people in the US tune in to the news. It’s the hook, and without it they’re ratings are trashed, and the network pulls the slot.

    2) Liability. You want to be the forecaster who UNDERESTIMATED the danger?

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