I alluded to your type before. I know you’re out there. I’ve seen you around. You’re 6’4″ and your girlfriend is 5’2″. She comes up to about your wrist.
And it makes me fucking crazy. Not only do I seethe with jealousy because you’re soooo in love, but I am filled with rage to see the height differential. Again. Again!
I realize that you can’t just like, custom-order the perfect person. Alright, you sort of can with like a mail-order bride and shit, but still. Unless you’re taking Russian classes Saturday mornings at your local community college, how good of a match was it, really? Anyway, sometimes you can just fall in love, regardless of height considerations. I can understand that. But I am unable to do it. Height is my critical must-have requirement. Everything else is reasonably more negotiable.
I would ask though, to consider the tall girls before making your final decision. My beef isn’t with your girlfriend, it’s with you. You know, there are plenty of us to choose from. A lot of us are sick of wearing flats and kicking off our shoes to take pictures with our current boyfriends because we look silly to tower over them. Not all of us play for the WNBA, you know. I’m like 5’10” barefoot, so how the fuck am I supposed to look like a lady next to a dude who is 5’7″?
What about being able to reach things, huh? Putting up curtains? You can actually get help from a tall girl. Hey, can your stupid 5’2″ girlfriend get to the cabinet over the fridge? I bet not. I bet she has to get a chair. And then she’s got to get you to get the cake pans, because she still can’t reach, right?
I hope you’re happy reaching for the cake pans, buddy. Me and the tall girls are going to put up some motherfucking curtains without you.
PS: This letter is almost THREE YEARS OLD. PLEASE KNOCK IT OFF – I don’t give a flying shit about your opinion on this matter. Suck it. Comments are CLOSED!