Or, Frequently Asked Questions (I’d Imagine You Would Like Answers To)
 Updated September 2010

Q: Why letters? Why not post like normal people?
A: Friend, I am not normal. But, I am also not so high-minded to believe that I can bring the dying art of letter writing back. In all reality, for a short period of time in college, I remember friends and I would speak to things that pissed us off in letter form. Like perhaps after meeting someone at a party I might say: “Dear [redacted], you’re an asshole and you should call me. Love, Me.” Additionally, my freshman year of college (and occasionally afterwards) my alter-ego, known as Tard Sis would emerge to write letters to friends on thier dorm white boards. Also, in February of 2005 I wrote a real letter to the fine folks at Banana Republic after watching some commercials that made me want to slice my wrists open. It took me about six months to think…Wouldn’t that be funny if that was like, my blog? So, there you go. 

A recently resurfaced photograph of one of the above described letters from “Tard Sis”.

She’s a staunch Democrat, if you can’t tell from the letter.

Q: You’re pretty rude and certifiably not classy. Are you joking that your favorite books are “etiquette books”?
A: No. Actually, I have about 10 or so etiquette books, including some great ones with parts about chaperones for dates and types and styles of appropriate gloves for all events.

Q: McSweeny’s already writes letters to stuff and they’re actually funny!
A: Yes. This is true.

Q: Do you really want to help the environment by not wasting paper? I’ve got pamphlets! (My original tagline/about read: “These are letters I’ve written, some of which are to inanimate objects. In an whole-hearted effort to reduce pollution in our fragile world, I have chosen to not waste the paper.”)
A: Yes and no. The point of this blog was not intended as an actual environmental statement. I still waste a lot of paper. I do, honestly, care about the environment – although I did cry when I traded in my SUV. I do not want your pamphlet or anyone else’s. What are you doing with pamphlets if you care about the environment? Isn’t that kind of self-defeating?

Q: Hey, I’m asking the questions here.
A: Okay. Sorry.

Q: Well, if you weren’t going to help the environment, why start such a shitty blog?
A: I found that blogging entertained me, and I thought that I could entertain other people too. That’s about it.

Q: You’re kinda bitchy and passive aggressive.
A: You have no idea.

Q: Haven’t you ever heard the saying “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”? Don’t you think that works well as a personal philosophy?
A: Oh, fuck off. You’re missing the point. I spend a lot of time being terribly compassionate and loving. It’s hardly as entertaining.

Q: Despite the fact that you’re really not a nice person, I would like to link to you. Do you have a link policy?
A:I don’t have a policy, per se. If you find it in your heart to link to me, please do so. Emailing me and telling me is very nice, but you don’t have to. I check my incoming links thinger, so I’ll always find out if you’ve been so sweet. I will alwaysacknowledge it if you say something nice about me in a post, why in the hell wouldn’t I? My Blogroll is a collection of real life friends, people who have said nice things to me, and my favorite blogs. There’s always room for more.

Q: If High Fidelity taught us anything, it taught us it’s not what you’re like, but what you like…What do you like?
A: Well, besides blogging, I like a lot of things. I enjoy purchasing and using a variety of tolietries. I enjoy photography, and by photography I mean taking pictures of everything I can see. I enjoy the outdoors to a limited extent. I like camping, but not so much complicated hiking or the people who shop at REI. I do enjoy shopping, well, I like the social aspect of browsing and being with girl friends. I like reading. A lot. I usually buy between 3 and 5 books a month, the majority of which purchased at Goodwill. I enjoy spending time with friends. I like talking. A lot.

My favorite movies are as follows: Clerks, 25th Hour, Ghostbusters (both), The Royal Tenenbaums, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, High Fidelity, I Am Sam, Capote, Election, Snatch, Stranger Than Fiction and The Boondock Saints.

My favorite band right now is Modest Mouse, but I also enjoy the musical stylings of The Dismemberment Plan, Soul Coughing, Cake, Ozma, Rilo Kiley, Weezer (not Maladroit, puhleeze), the Strokes, TV On The Radio, the Smashing Pumpkins, Hole, Fiona Apple, Portishead, The Shins (mostly just their first album), the Rolling Stones (until like, 1971) and Mike Doughty. I am also a huge hip-hop fan and my favorites include Mos Def, Talib Kweli, N.E.R.D., The Fugees, Common, Aesop Rock, some WuTang Clan (like 36 Chambers only, and some Ghostface Killah or Method Man is good) and The Roots. I am not a fan of freestyle or battles, or beat-boxing for that matter. People beat-boxing makes me feel really awkward. I also enjoy pretty much anything The Neptunes or Pharrell Williams touches, unfortunately, because I realize some of it is terrible. It’s like junk food for your ears (I feel the same way about most “rap” music); tastes fucking excellent, but is rarely satisfying and hardly brings you toward any goal.

My favorite TV show is It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Period. Also, honors go to Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Lo(l)st.

Q: Well, since you like hip-hop: Jay-Z or Nas?
A: Even though they more recently squashed their beef (Jay-Z appeared on Nas’ Hip-Hop Is Dead album) like grown men should – I would have to say that Jay-Z’s always going to be my pick because he’s from Brooklyn. Nas’ lyrics are, in my opinion, somewhat better, but Jay-Z’s beats and producers are usually better. Jay-Z is also catchy as hell, and don’t forget – he’s not a “businessman”, he’s a “business, man”. But we didn’t come all the way out here to talk about hip-hop, did we?

Q: Do you have any hidden talents?
A: No, but I can recite every single word in Notorious B.I.G.’s “Juicy” if that counts.

Q: You complain a lot about being single. Don’t you think that maybe these things are related?
A: Ha. Suck it. Let’s just say that since my last update I do in fact have a gentleman caller. He is a karaoke champion, LOST encyclopedia and British. He read this blog and still wanted to hang out. He even brought me a real Boyfriend Sweater. Without me having to steal one. I mean, really. This is the shit that dreams are made of, dude.

Q: You don’t have a picture of yourself and you don’t use your real name. What the fuck?
A: What? So someone in Nepal can see my face? A lot of people who read this blog already know me and my real name. And my real MySpace. And my Facebook. And my Flickr. I’m sorry if you aren’t one of those people. I wanted this to be semi-anonymous, for various reasons. I will tell you this, I am a proud graduate of the University of Missouri-Columbia, and I live and work in the Chicago suburbs. I blame just about everything on my New Jersey childhood, something I frequently reference. My current profile picture is my real self…just my real 2nd grade self. I look pretty much the same except I’m adult-sized and I wear less pink now.

Witness the child-me.

Q: You seem to have…oh, I don’t know…a lot of free time. Do you even have a job?
A: Yes. I work for a non-profit that provides services for people with developmental disabilities. You can see where I got the office job my sanity desperately needed because my free time dramatically increased. And so did my ability to spend time writing letters to stuff.  Basically, I have an active, but sometimes sporadic, social life.


Feel free to add your own burning questions below and I will answer them. Really. You can ask me.

1 Response to FAQ

  1. Reneau says:

    This shit is hilarious. I dig the “letters” instead of blogging. Sometimes you have to laugh at yourself. And also high fidelty is one of my “top five” movies. It start making me have top fives. good day

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